To Do List

After the events of the last few months and particularly the last week I have to focus my mind on the positive things coming up. More importantly the things I can do something about, freeing my mind of it's burdens. Letting go is not easy, the welfare of the girls is paramount as is mine but I must. I can't allow my daughters addiction to destroy any more than it already has. The knot in my shoulder will hopefully diminish. I know I will now go back to being on pins every time a police car pulls up outside my house.

The next three weeks are going to quite busy in the lead up to our much needed holiday. Tonight I started Nordic Walking with my sister in law. She works as a swimming coach but as the local swimming pool is out of action after a fire, the leisure centre has been looking at other activities to train the staff on. She opted for Nordic walking. My walkathon for Harry is in two weeks Sunday May 13th. I have been hitting the treadmill but felt I needed to up the anti in the walking stakes, this seemed like a good way of building stamina whilst doing some distance walking. We headed for a local spot that has dog walkers, horse riders, runners and those outdoorsy kind of families. This area is best known for other activities "dogging" so I was a little unsure of the locale. Thankfully there was evidence of all activities but no dogging, maybe we were there a little early for that one. Doing a warm up in the car park we then set off with these sticks, it took me a while to get used to the technique, eventually I got it striding out whilst my app on my mobile, she sounds like a female Stephen Hawkins, telling me time, distance blah de blah. It is odd as both my sister in law and I got quite competitive with her saying we will beat that time on the next loop. We ended up doing just over 2 miles in 50 minutes and I really enjoyed it. We plan to do this daily for the next two weeks.

Nattering in my mind is the going through holiday clothes mainly for the girls, they have lots of clothes but I put the summer ones away come autumn. As we have a bank holiday weekend coming up the plan is to sort this then giving me time to see what else may be needed. We have a sales conference coming up next week, the week after that I am spending a day out down south with a colleague. Juggling child care for the girls can at times be a challenge. My sister is going away for the two weeks before me, she arrives back the day we go, so we need to co-ordinate all mums needs are met whilst we are away. It will all get sorted, it always does, I just manically make lists. My course work is now complete, as I am in Hull on appointments tomorrow it will be handed over, something else ticked off the the to do list.

Could I politely ask for you, the readers of my blog to put on your to do list, it would be so very much appreciated, click on the right hand side to my Just Giving page, it is really easy to do even a £1.00 would be fantastic to continue what this amazing kid started, read his story I hope you fall just a bit in love with him as I did.  Harry Moseley the reason I am doing this walkathon. Many thanks.


Sha X

Time to Call it a Day

This time last week I was rushing on the motorway to get back home for a hair appointment, realising after hitting another wall of traffic the futility in even imagining this was going to happen. The opposite of futility is hopeful, this time last week I had a feeling of both in equal measures.

The grey roots lived to fight a further couple of days. My fighting days are now over. Today a visit from the police looking for my daughter, this wasn't a "welfare visit" they were looking for her for very different reasons. Although not at liberty to tell me the why, their presence spoke loud and clear to me. Oh what a difference a week makes, my daughter clearly has gone straight back to the life I had hoped she was on a path to walk away from. She turned up at my mum's on Tuesday night, she called me, I really couldn't bother to talk to her as her attitude seemed to me like I'm back, all will continue as before. I heard through the grapevine her drugs worker has pulled the plug on any rehabilitation programme now, which is what I expected. Her drugs worker has gone above and beyond to support her, it must feel just as much a slap in the face to her as it does me. Were we duped for a while or did we just get a glimmer of what could have been, the answer to that I guess will never be known. It makes me sick to my stomach the first line out of the dealers mouth would be on the lines of "We knew you would be back".

Any hope now of getting my daughter back is as futile as my attempt to get back home for a certain time with a wall in front of me. I can't support someone who doesn't want to help themselves, actually more than not wanting to help themselves but seems hell bent on self destruct, the force of which is more than a match for my maternal power or strength.

I give in, the towel is well and truly thrown in. It is now time to call it a day.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.


Sha X

It Should Have Been Me

Do you remember the Yvonne Fair song from way back? I remember going to the record shop in Leeds to buy this song in my teens. The pain and heartache in her voice, singing about loss. At that young age I hadn't much experience of those emotions, the song though obviously touched something in me to buy it.

On the way to Hull on Saturday to complete the last day of my course I started to cry (now I know going to Hull would make a few weep) the Toni Braxton song came on "Unbreak My Heart". Music evokes so many emotions in us all, and whilst most think you are relating to the actual words in a song for me the words can be unrelated it is the emotion and sentiment that strike a chord. My course was incomplete and I was unsure as to what the repercussions of that were. Also on my mind was that my daughter hadn't shown up, with that the realisation that this left me with nowhere else to go with her. On arriving for my course I couldn't hold it together, I had to walk out. One of the trainers followed me taking me to her car for a talk, she reassured me they would be able to defer the deadline for me but also telling me firmly for the sake of me and other family members I had to let go of what was causing me so much disruption to my head, heart and life. Feeling happier I completed the last day. We celebrated with a meal in a local pub, free to gossip, talk ten to the dozen and have a laugh, it was really nice, I enjoyed it.

More socialising on Sunday evening a meal out with girlfriends in York. A friend was up from the South for a few days staying at another friends B&B. She then came to ours for dinner on Monday. Having no children my guess is was just a bit of a culture shock, that and the police hammering on the door at 10pm doing what they call a "welfare check" looking for my daughter. This was instigated by her drugs worker. As my daughter has been clean for nearly five weeks it is a real concern if she uses again she could overdose, the police check all known addresses for her. A fabulous girly meal on Tuesday, great company, great food. For me it was something I do very little of, something I thought I would be doing more of in my 50th year and something I realise I ought to be doing more of. It was good for my soul to kick back, chatter and laugh with funny, feisty, fabulous women. Now THIS should be me.

My commitment and responsibilities to the girls I never shirk. Making the choice to have them both, my hubby and I knew would mean a life very different to the one we envisaged. We however did make that choice. Everyone every day of their lives make choices, mostly they are rather mundane, sometimes they are life changing and massive. My daughters choice this week has left me with only one option. In my final sentence allow me a little license.

"It Should Have Been Us"



Sha X

The Bank

If we were to compare ourselves to a bank account how do you think you would fare?

My account is now completely in the red due to a battering of withdrawals. Wednesday night I was up until gone midnight doing my course work, this course is very important to me, it's what I have always wanted to do. Feeling I was breaking the back of it and on track, although still quite a lot of work to do.

The next day spent trying to get appointments then finishing off the last bit of course work I suddenly realised a crucial part of the work for my accreditation was incomplete. The day after would be very much taken up with a long drive. We parked near Coutts and would need a bank account with them for the parking fee's. I had an hair appointment at 5 but had reckoned in plenty of time, the grey root battle currently being well and truly won by grey roots.

Having mentioned in an earlier post daughter is not really doing very well where she is, phone calls back and forth to her, her drugs worker on the drive. On arrival subsequent calls to say my daughter was leaving rehab. Calls to her, her drug worker, the world and his wife, we have come up with what will be a workable plan for further rehab at another centre that is not based on this 12 step programme, which may work for some, it clearly is not working for my daughter.

Hair appointment missed as the traffic back was horrendous, it took us nearly double the time to get back. Needed a bit of stationary to tidy up my portfolio of work or so I thought.

Home and my hubby made a lovely dinner, all set for me to complete my work. I haven't a clue what I am doing as found a sheet of paper for the requirements for accreditation and I have no idea as to what to do.

My daughter has left the rehab centre and at this moment I have no idea as to where she is.

The bank of ME needs some deposits right now.


Sha x

My Week So Far

As the holiday is booked a sudden realisation that it is time to start to do a bit of maintenance to me and also dig out beach towels, the girls summer outfits and dream of my minimalist packing style. I have achieved this maybe once in my lifetime. The dog has punctured one of the water wings, so we will do the annual buying of all inflatable and leave them at the villa for next occupants, not good trying to get a half deflated dolphin in the suitcase. Yes it time for the "welcome mat" to get some attention amongst other things.

My mind half on our holiday in a month, trying to sum up my week thus far and realised it is still only Wednesday. The weekend started off with supermarket shop, hubby usually prefers to do this alone as we always end up arguing at the checkout when done together, I did sneek in a racket & ball set, well the villa comes with a tennis court, the only whites we will see is the lemonade. Needed to pick up an essential item for mum from the hospital, as it was out of hours I managed to blag my way as we had run out. Grand National watched, it is awful to see horses die in this race, I went up to mums with provisions. Sunday I got a call from the lifeline people (I seriously need to investigate what they actually do) mums smoke alarm had gone off. As A was at a party that afternoon I had to make calls to carers to go see what was the problem. Assured all ok at mums the kids and I had quite an enjoyable afternoon at the party. It was nice to catch up with the mum's I had missed them over the holidays, they are are nice, a few a little devilish which really appeal to me, also a new addition baby B to hold and coo over.

Monday was back to school Yah! This meant I could hit the phone to get appointments, mum rang, could I go up, I had to be firm in saying no I would go after I had picked up the girls. My daughter called Monday night, she was really struggling with the rehab centre it was a little evangelical and wasn't working for her. I assured her I would speak to her Compass worker to look at what we could do. T presented me with a note from school, Wednesday is WOW day we have to dress up as ancient Greeks FFS!.

Tuesday I had an appointment in Hull prior to my course. Time to hit the treadmill as it is now only a month until the walkathon in Birmingham for Harry. Received a call to cancel appointment whilst on treadmill. Nipped in to town to get stuff to make an ancient Greek costume, was quite chuffed with my creativeness. Left costume for hubby to sort. Called to mums with extra provisions and some dinner, she was so pleased to see me as she needed to go, oh how this is not what I signed up for. I don't want to sound awful here, but it is difficult. Left mums went on to do my course, which I realise I have quite a lot of work to do before we conclude on Saturday. On the way home around 10pm mum called about the alarm going off.

Arriving home i wasn't in the best moods, tired and hungry my daughter was on the phone, she had her bags packed, couldn't stay any longer. I did my best to reassure her that we would do what we could. Then I clocked the ancient Greek outfit. Hubby had let 10 year old design it herself, argument ensued...big style.

This morning outfit actually looked good T is very creative. Leaving the school gates one of the mum's was crying, a local boy who had a brain tumour, the whole of the community has pulled together to support this boy getting treatment abroad has died. I had 3 appointments today, one cancelled the other two I sold.

Something shifted in my head today, a sort of fuck it attitude, I hit the treadmill when I got home. The walk for Harry and brain tumour awareness in the fore-forefront of my mind, but also a sense of lets be fearless, who knows how long we have here.

God bless Thomas Cammack x

Sha X

Heart & Mind

Something has been niggling me most of the day today, thoughts popping in my head as to how my daughter is doing, wanting to ring her to check she is alright and is settling in with the others. Now to most mothers that would sound perfectly normal. I can assure you for me it is most definitely not my normal.

Lugging my daughters belongings up the very steep steps to, for her is a place of trepidation, the unknown coupled with excitement of a whole new life. We were greeted at the door by a middle aged man with a kind face. He made us a drink, something he said stuck with me. I was allowed to stay for a while having my cup of tea in the lounge area, chatting to the other people resident here, a warm welcoming group who it was very apparent had great respect for each other and a fantastic camaraderie. They all knew the score, those I met wanted to be there, they had hit their rock bottom and wanted change. Seeing the delight in others achievements and accomplishments was palpable in this room. I was asked very nicely to leave, it was time for my daughter to integrate with this group of people. We hugged, kissed, goodbyes said, no tears. As I descended the steep steps kind face man said to me "She'll be fine here you know" looking back at him my response was "I know she will". And I felt that in the whole being of my body.


No telephone contact is allowed for the first four days, a visit can't be made until over a week of being there. My love for my daughter is something never in question for me, my like for her over the past years has. She isn't someone I would choose to spend time with as that brings a whole heap of emotions and issues neither of us deal with very well. When I don't see her its not that I don't worry about her I have adopted the attitude of no news is good news. Spending time with her yesterday it was like meeting someone for the first time and thinking I quite like you.

Having time today to process yesterday. What the kind face man said was "Its like having two lives, one as an addict, the other clean". This man has had those two lives, he's walked the walk. Hopefully my daughter can do the same. She is always on my mind. My wish is for her to be firmly back in my heart too.



Sha X

The Transporter

Since getting the confirmation that my daughter had been accepted for firstly detox and then on to a rehabilitation programme I seem to have spent much of my time transporting her from one place to another.

Initial visits to both the places to check out where she would be checking in to. Neither the detox centre or rehabilitation being close to one another or in anyway local to us. After spending three weeks in detox today was the day to collect my daughter to take her to rehab.

It was arranged that I would pick her up at lunchtime do the two hour drive to the East coast, delivering her to what effectively will be her new home for the next four months. Due to the previous "look see" visit seven weeks ago at least she knew there would be some familiar faces to greet her, also having an inkling in to what the place looked like. There was a major road traffic accident on the eastbound side of the motorway, as usual traffic was slow westbound due to rubberneckers. The eastbound was my route back, although no major time constrictions in getting to where we were going we were expected before a certain time. I would need to find an alternative route back, I was also late collecting her.

Over the last three weeks myself and the family have visited, chatted on the phone with her, the local drugs worker has been through to see her both she and her allocated detox worker calling me to let me know she was doing well, very well actually. She was all packed and ready I joked that Auntie Norah would never die whilst she was alive as she always has loads of bags of stuff. The staff at the detox centre have been wonderful, so very supportive, they all came to wish her well, telling me she had worked above and beyond what was asked of her.

Car loaded up we were off. I asked her if she was nervous, obviously she was and also excited to take the next step to her recovery. We spent the next two hours in the car chatting about crap, we also touched on some painful topics of conversation for both of us, we laughed a lot too. It was, for me, surprisingly a pleasure. It felt like some layers had been peeled away. Somehow through new eyes we both recognised many similarities in our personalities.

Transporting my daughter to her new abode my wish for her over the next few months is wrapped up in this quote.

"Joy, sorrow, tears, lamentation, laughter.....to all these music gives voice, but in such a way that we are transported from a world of unrest to a world of peace, and see reality in a new way, as if we were sitting by a mountain lake and contemplating hills and woods and clouds in the tranquil and fathomless water".
 -Albert Schweitzer


Sha X

Boden meet Primarni

The kids broke up for the Easter holidays last Thursday, at nearly one week in to the two week break we have plenty to write on the "wall" at school so far this holiday, no I won't be doing photo's and captions I will just give a synopsis of what we have done.

Saturday Grand-dad took them to the pictures to see a 3D movie whilst I went to mums to spend a few hours with her for her birthday. Sunday my sister took them to see their mum which gave me a few hours break. Monday A was at a party so T and I had our tea out whilst A enjoyed the party. I forward planned for a change taking a plate to make sure hubby had a meal when he got home. Tuesday morning it was back to boot camp for me the girls came along and watched taking the mickey. My niece looked after the girls whilst I went to do my course, they then went for a sleepover at my sisters. Niece had very kindly made a huge dent in my mountain of ironing which was a lovely surprise. It is always double edged for me when the girls are away, the peace and calmness of the house is wonderful but then I miss them and feel a little lost when they aren't here. 

Today I had an appointment in Bridlington, given last weeks weather I arranged to go with a friend and her daughter, we could spend a day at the seaside whilst I nipped to do my appointment killing two birds with one stone. This morning the weather was atrocious, the lady I was due to see cancelled so a new plan was devised, we would go to The Fun Run, one of those indoor play areas that look like an industrial unit kitted out for kids to bounce off the walls, safely of course. Perfect for wet days, kids think it is heaven, it's my idea of hell, the noise is deafening, all these little people squealing is somehow amplified in these places. 

Once my ears have acclimatised to the noise. Food ordered that as the sign says "Food is made fresh to order, so may take some time at busy periods" we waited near enough an hour and half, the kids off and occupied, I'm occupied observing. Maybe about four dads in the whole place. It fascinates me how they seem to just zone out of all that surrounds them and either have conversations on their mobiles or read. Boden yummy mummy's feeding their children organic healthy snacks whilst sipping herbal tea, the Primarni mums giving their children those electric blue ice drinks whilst drinking diet coke. Of course there are what I consider the regular mums here too, the disparity between those not in the middle was very apparent and I caught the tale end of a spat between the two when one kid slapped another, ironically it was the Primarni mum who apologised the Boden mum being sniffy on behalf of mini Boden.

The home made food was worth the wait, the kids had a ball, we have something else to put on the wall, we will go again on a rainy day when I fancy a mummy people watching session. Johnnie Boden what have you created.


Sha X