Booked It....Packed It

Prior to getting the girls my hubby and I had just started to holiday a bit further afield. We had done lots of Greek islands which we love, Spain fond memories from going in my teens, Malta which I hated with a passion (sorry Malta lovers but for me Malta is marmite), the Canaries gorgeous beaches on Fuerteventura, Tunisia could have killed for a bacon buttie, Cyprus twice, great food. The last two trips pre the girls were New York and Thailand which really gave me a bug to explore other far flung parts of the world.

Now I am not a huge fan of flying, being confined in such a small place isn't an experience I particularly enjoy. The love of going abroad far out weighs my hate of flying it is a necessary part of getting to the end destination. Its not that I wouldn't consider taking the girls somewhere like Thailand and it would be fantastic to go over to Australia to see family. After a trip to Cyprus when A was around one and a half, which is about a four hour flight I made the decision for further holidays that the flight be as short as possible.

We had taken T to Portugal when she was nearly three. We had a hire car, our days spent going off exploring the different beaches having adventures. It was the year Portugal was hosting the UEFA Euro and football fever gripped the whole country. We went to watch the England v France game of course and me having a liking for Zinedine Zidane it didn't go down at all well when I whooped at him scoring, playing the dumb clueless about football card managed to stop me getting lynched. Aside from that we all had a really lovely time, Portugal reminded me very much of my memories of Spain in the seventies, it has a gentleness about it.

A few years ago we decided to go back this time though in a villa, again a hark back to our family holidays in Spain spending four weeks in a villa, they have always been my template for the most idyllic family holidays. The freedom to come and go as you please, to eat when you want, cooking not a chore as you have all the equipment you would have at home in the kitchen. The major plus, not having to make small talk to people you really don't want to, knowing your kids are not upsetting or being upset by someone else's kids, not having to make sure your sun lounger is not near the olive skinned stunner. They are truly relaxing times spent in a villa, evening meals sat outside, fresh local food, local wine, just watching the lizards antics with the sound of crickets in the night air.

So we have become those people that we always sniffed at, this will be our fourth time to Portugal. We don't always go to the same area or the same villa, we do know the lie of the land, the good supermarkets, and I am confident to zip around in the car. We will meet up like last year with the lovely T and her family, I met her through twitter she has lived there for nine years, this time they will come to us.

I love the fact that I can get the washing done, pegged out and dried, no suitcases full of dirty washing to be brought home. You may think it is not your idea of a holiday, cooking and washing, for me it is like being home from home Walt Disney style.

A time to regroup as a family and a much needed recharge of the batteries. We fly from Doncaster airport, another stress free experience, in May and in the words of Peter Kay...."booked it, packed it" and I for one can't wait to "f**k off".


Sha X

I Am What I Am....But I'm Not

I always thought by the time I got to 50 you would sort of have it all figured out, not in a you know it all way, you go on learning your whole life is my view. That is what life is about learning new things and learning from past mistakes. The main thing I have acquired in getting older is a fit in or fuck off attitude, in the nicest possible way of course.

Watching John Bishop doing the challenge for Sport Relief last week made me think how the mind and body can suffer such endurance for an end result, you just keep on keeping on and whilst most of our endurances are not televised and revered by others, the comparison I made was we do what we do at times in the face of adversity for an end result and when the end result is achieved we just fall off the perch mentally and physically done. That is the time when the mind and body need time to recuperate, the time when everyone thinks its all been put to bed and you should be on a high, euphoric, job done, and you feel the total opposite. The high alert state is replaced with a time of processing and there can be a backlash of anger directed at people that really are not the cause of all these pent up feelings. This is my view of the aftermath of the fall out of stressful situations.

The fall out for me has left me wondering who the hell I am. I feel I have lost me along the way. Oh I have lots of titles: But I'm Not

Mother: I am a mother to two adults, one reverts to being a needy 13 year old although she is 31 so this is not the conventional relationship it should be, the other makes me so very proud but there is guilt of not being as supportive as I could be.

Wife: My husband of 25 years doesn't get anything from me, we are like ships that pass in the night, we have no our time and although I know its wrong he gets the brunt of any anger or resentment in me. There is not a lot of light or laughter at the moment.

Nana: That is my title but the reality is I am their primary care giver. This role really wears me out and also equally gives me such joy.

Daughter: This role has fallen in to a role reversal of carer to my mum, sorting out her stuff until it comes to the point of her having very little control of her life at all.

Sister: Try to mediate between us all, not always successful.

Friend: Have been very crap in this department on the whole.

Having spent the last four months or so in leggings and Ugg boots with a coat that covers all, the last few days of nice weather has even questioned who I have become in what I wear. I used to be a suited and booted person.

I am what I am, but I'm not. Am I looking for the old me or should I be looking for a new me.


Sha X

The Journey

At this time yesterday I thought I was going to be writing a very different post about a new journey our family will be embarking on. For one of the family, that will be a physical and an emotional one, a scary prospect but also potentially, an exciting opportunity. From my point of view this has been a very long tough path, one that you wouldn't wish on anyone.

The last six months my daughter, her drugs worker and I have been working towards getting her in to detox then on to rehabilitation for four months. There has been a lot of effort and hard work put in to facilitate this. Over this time there has been many obstacles thrown in the path and for me it has been quite exhausting as I see this as my daughters very last chance to get clean and work on her demons once and for all. My last chance to have a relationship with her like I see other mothers and daughters have and mostly for the girls to have a mother who they may not live with but is a good positive and consistent part of their life. We have many times been on the I want to get clean road, never before has the opportunity of a full rehabilitation programme been deemed worth doing with her so consequently not an option. My view is getting off the drugs is not the hardest part its being given the tools, strength of mind and coping mechanisms to stay off them. This is a huge mountain to climb, so without any of this kind of work being done, in my mind it would never happen, because of this I have invested a lot in to getting her there.

The date was given to us four weeks ago, it would be Tuesday the 20th of March. I expected a few wobbles along the way. Last weekend was a lost one as my daughter for many reasons decided to, I guess, have one last fling with her long term habit.  She did come back and discussed it with her drugs worker, she was back and honest, I had to look at that as a positive. We devised a plan for the rest of the week. On Wednesday morning I dropped her off in town for her probation appointment,  both cheerily saying love you and I will see you tonight. She didn't come back, not that night, nor the next or the one after that. I felt ill, physically ill, I went in to total meltdown. I am glad to say I had someones ear to bend, to weep and wail to. I had to get a grip and accept this was her choice, there was nothing more I could do, we had lost her. Wrestling with these thoughts over the weekend, for my own well being, my decision was to finally let go. I had nothing more to give.

Yesterday a  missed call at 5pm on my mobile. It was my daughters drug worker, my daughter was with her and wanted to go to rehab. There was really no point in doing anything other than sorting out what was needed to be done in order to get her there.

Today we arrived at the place where she will start her journey. All I can hope is at the end of hers, a new path will be walked by us all.


Sha X

You-The Stealer

From the first encounter with you, you steal

You steal a soul
You steal sons and daughters
You steal mothers and fathers from their children
You steal relationships on all levels

You don't discriminate, oh no, not you
You don't care which class or gender, colour or creed
You take what doesn't belong to you
You destroy everyone who comes in to contact with you

You take away hopes and dreams
You take away self worth
You take away pride
You take away morals

You are the devil incarnate
You walk among us insidiously everyday
You are pure evil
You create evil actions

You steal memories
You steal rites of passage
You steal normal
You stole from me

God damn you Heroin

When I Die

Our eclectic little group are over halfway through our Bereavement Counselling Course. They are a really nice bunch of people to spend a few hours with each Tuesday night, like minded and we have bonded well which is very good as you do some quite in depth personal work together. At first feeling a little out of my depth the pieces are now starting to come together. Each session gives you lots to think about but this weeks topic really gave us all a lot of food for thought.

This week we had to first work in a group of four and then in twos to discuss how you felt about the subject whilst the other person practised their listening skills (I am pleased to say I am much better at this than at the start). The topic was if you suddenly dropped down dead, there were subdivisions of topics to explore but the gist was who would do what and how did you see people coping. Obviously this is your perception as you really have no idea what would happen in reality as I wouldn't be here to see.

My reaction to exploring this thought was sheer panic as to how the girls would deal without me being here and how it would affect them in the short and long term and also who would come to the fore to step in to the breach. I have said in an earlier post my hubby doesn't cope well without me I'm not saying he's useless, he can cook very well and manages to keep things ticking over after a fashion, he has though no idea about the girls routines for school other than dropping them off or picking them up. I did have a fleeting thought that they could possibly turn up at school wearing God knows what as it has been known for me to collect A from the childminders, she was wearing pyjamas, hubby thought they looked like an outfit.

In a book I have written down how I would like my funeral to be, hubby may find this three months after the event as I'm not really sure he knows where this information is. I have made a will, I carry an organ donor card something I feel very strongly about, hubby has equally strong opposing views so that may not be upheld. So in my mind I have dotted i's and crossed t's in terms of practicalities, having to think through this process brought a stark reality I haven't even scratched the surface. The main reason for this is as we go about our daily lives we either won't or just don't have this sort of discussion. It is important that we do.

When you have had someone close to you die the thought of your loved ones going through the pain you know of, a pain where if there is great love inevitably comes the great pain of loss, is unbearable to contemplate.

When I die I will have no knowledge of what is left behind, my hope would be that in time a thought of me, would bring about a laugh and a smile to replace the tears and that my loved ones forever keep in their hearts my deep love for them.



Sha X

The Birthday Party

After observing the lengths that mums and dads have gone to at the last three party's A has been invited to, to give their five year old children the most fantastic and spectacular time. As a mother of two now adults I want to share with these mum's "Trust me they won't remember a bloody thing, so do get lots of photographic evidence". In the days when my kids were little every waking moment was not a photo opportunity that you then presented to the world via Facebook or Twitter. Both of them swear blind that they never had a party EVER.

On that basis for A's party I decided to pare everything down just a tad. Local to us is one of those eateries that have a large indoor and outdoor area for kids to basically run around to their hearts content, all very safely. They also cater for kids parties, two hours of fun, face painting, pass the parcel, food, cake and party bags for the princely sum of £5.99 per head. Turn up let the staff do everything, pay and leave, it was a bit of a no brainer for me. I have enough going on in my life to not add the stress of coming up with some never been done before theme and also do the catering for a five year olds party.

There are nineteen in A's class and I invited them all, in my opinion any exclusion should be a natural thing as they get older and form strong likes or dislikes of their fellow classmates and even then I would always suggest to include everyone. This I think stems from seeing T get excluded in her first years of school and I can't do that to another kid. Apart from two from A's class that didn't show, along with assorted cousins there were 23 kids at the party. No surprise at this age all the parents stay too, these kids are fairly new to this social activity and most including A want the security of knowing mum and or dad are hovering around in the background. What did surprise me however was how when the food was served, collectively all the parents turned in to helicopters hovering over their children for the entire meal. I wasn't sure if this was because as mums we tend to nick chips from our kids plates or to ensure all dietary needs were met.

Time to leave I was kissed and hugged by the mums and Alpha mum exclaimed C has had the BEST time EVER mmm I can't wait to see what she comes up with for her little darling. We left with three bin liner bags of presents, yes three! A huge thank you to the mum who bought those tiny little bead things that you iron. They are either on the floor and feel like you are walking on nails or they have melted all over the iron when older child takes it upon herself to have a go unsupervised. At home I did make a list of who got what for thank you letters payback presents and then thought feck it I'm turning Stepford, they will get a generic one.

This week we have had three party invites from kids in A's class all at the the place where we had her party, maybe there is a bit of a backlash to the overly themed earlier parties or maybe I have paved the way to thinking it is ok to keep it fairly simple. If I were a betting person though I would have money on Alpha mums little darlings party being the Mother of all parties.

I will be sure to let you know when the time comes.


Sha X

The Bedroom

Lets be clear from the start, this is not a post about any activity in my bedroom, there would be nothing to write. The bedroom referred to are the girls rooms, in particular T's.

Most of the time I pass the doors of the girls bedrooms and just close the door. A's isn't too bad and once it has been mucked out it tends to stay tidy for quite sometime probably due to the fact it's usually me that slopes in to her bed when she has hijacked mine. The main problem with A's room is that is not very big and she does have quite a lot of toys, half of which I am sure she has no clue she has. The main thing A does in messing up her room is when looking for something to wear she will pull everything out of the drawers in her search, all the stuff that I have spent two hours ironing and putting away.

T's room is another kettle of fish all together, it is usually a complete midden and I set to on clearing it of its detritus when I can not stand looking at it any more, just closing the door stops working for me as I am sure there could be something horrible and nasty rotting in there. Armed with a black bin liner which I filled, the clear out also produced three wash loads of clothes. The crap this kid has in her room in beyond belief! Investigating under the bed I will often find some long lost item of mine that I'm delighted to find but am bloody annoyed she has squirrelled whatever it is in to her room.

There are always reams of paper in T's room, half written things for school, practise times tables, now and again a letter addressed to me as to how horrible I am. And then I stumbled across this that she had written.

THE FUR ALARM CLOCK
The fur alarm clock
Licks my face
As it will tomorrow
And the pay off
Is brown biscuits
Ice cold water
In a silver bowl
And then a stroll

Jasmine our black Labrador each morning can't wait to get up the stairs to wake T up so this little poem obviously resonates with her. T's bedroom is all neat and tidy......for now.

My mind jumps forward to the teenage years just around the corner, her bedroom will still be a tip, the contents, teenage paraphernalia and I expect a gazillion photo's of her with her mates posing. The writing of school work replaced by letters of angst over the boy she fancies who doesn't fancy her. Jasmine will be greeted with monosyllables or an occasional grunt as she won't want to get out of bed until lunchtime. Her space most likely out of bounds to me. I will probably think of that little poem and hanker back to the simplicity of now.


Sha X

Altercation in Asda Car Park

Today is A's fifth birthday, I can't believe how time has flown it really doesn't seem two minutes since I saw her come in to this world at 11.10pm on a Saturday. A has developed in to a strong little character she dances to her own tune, she's not a follower and she likes to weigh everyone and everything up before you will get anything from her, she is definitely not a people pleaser, you have to meet her standards or she isn't interested. Watching her open her presents and cards this morning she does so neatly and precisely she's not a paper ripper or a whooper, I will get to know later what has floated her boat, in her time.

My son and his girlfriend are up for the weekend which always gives me great pleasure, they are really good with the girls always putting themselves out for them and make a big effort to be here for occasions. Tomorrow is A's first proper birthday party, all her class are invited, she wants an Hello Kitty cake and most of the family will be there. As I have mentioned many times on this blog I can be a little last minute. We needed to get the Hello Kitty cake and I had forgotten wrapping paper for our presents to her. Last night hubby and son reminded me of the year I wrapped their presents in tea-towels, I think I had blocked this from my mind that it was a good idea in the absence of wrapping paper to improvise like that.

Today J and K decided to take the girls swimming for the afternoon, hubby and I decided to go to check out a sofa for the conservatory that he'd seen, the dog has completely knackered the old one, and make a trip to Asda for last minute bits for the party. We don't have an Asda locally the nearest is in York so I only tend to go there when I need clothes for the girls, the clothes are decent quality and not over priced. We pulled in to the car park my hubby hesitated in parking as the guy to the left of us looked like he was getting out of his car, hubby wanted to give him space. The man didn't get out of his car, there was also a woman in the back and for reasons I really have no idea why, this man started to rant aggressively, another man got in to the car and the man relayed to him whatever it was that had angered him. At first I was unsure if this was directed at us as we hadn't done anything wrong, as I looked at them impassively the passenger pushed his head nearer the drivers window staring at me weirdly. As they reversed out the passenger started shouting obscenities at me and gesticulating any abusive gesticulation he could think of. At first I was more than a little intimidated and then I got very angry, such was the vitriol from these two men I knew it was better to keep my mouth shut or this could result in a potentially dangerous situation. A lady also reversing her car looked at me shaking her head as if to say what the hell was that all about. The passenger carried on with this all the way out of the car park.

Replaying in my mind what we could have possibly have done to cause such a reaction I honestly could think of nothing. My thoughts then turned to what if we had have had the girls with us, would these men have reacted in the same way and if they had how horrible it would have been on A's birthday for them, on what was a simple trip to get some last minute party bits and an Hello Kitty cake.


Sha X

The Transition

I am trying to be optimistic here really I am. Mum came home from her six month stint in hospital last Wednesday which we have been working towards since the meeting with all involved in getting her home early in January, so determined were we, mum and mums Social Services worker to get her there.

It is early days and I know her care team have had to pull out all the stops to fit in the rota's to accommodate 5 daily visits daily to mum, that is the maximum they can do, at such short notice. It may be that things will settle in to some kind of routine that works for everyone. At the moment it needs monitoring. Having a discussion with one of the carers last week she specifically asked for mums tablets not to be in blister packs, it would be easier if they weren't. We all seem to have roles in mums care and tablets is my sisters, I informed her to do as the carers had asked which my sister took on board. Mum is only able to have food whilst supervised as she can choke, having not had a cigarette in all that time she wanted one when arriving home, this also has to be done under supervision, all carers have been informed of this.

Today mum rang me the remote for the tv had been left on the top of the telly, could I go up, I said surely the carers would be in soon to which mum said could I still go up as she could then have a ciggie, feeling very torn, it must be so shit to have your world narrowed to such an extent and reliant on everyone else, the loss of independence must feel immense, I told her I would call back in 15 minutes and if the carers hadn't been I would go up. On calling back my brother was there. At nearly ten tonight another call, the carers hadn't given her her night tablets, as they are not in blister packs I haven't a clue what she takes and neither has mum. I called the emergency number and they were going to sort it.

I do wonder if this is only teething problems or if the transition from being in hospital to home maybe a bridge too far.



Sha X

World Book Day

Today is World Book Day at school. The kids have to choose a character from a book and dress up as the character. It was in last weeks news letter. The kids and I had the discussion as to what they wanted to dress up as. A wanted to be Snow White and T at first wanted to be a ballerina (not a suitable outfit for school) but settled on The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas which I thought was a very intelligent choice.

My day was pretty much planned out, my Sales Manager was out with me for the day and I had managed to get three appointments booked in, go me! In between the appointments time was allocated to nip to Asda to look for a Snow White outfit and some boys striped pyjamas, me being last minute as always. It didn't go to plan, my appointments usually last no more than an hour. The first was with Miss Indecisive and was really a wish list, the second was with Miss Assertive, what you would call a ballsy bird, she was a little intimidating at first but made me howl with laughter when she said she needed to go soon as she was having "Her Welcome Mat" waxed in preparation for a date that night, my Sales Manager a man blushing in the corner, I decided I liked this lady sale or no sale. She did place an order. Third appointment was with Miss I'm Buying Nothing Today, she placed a big order. Due to the fact I got on so well with the last two ladies the time ran away with us and I had to rush to do the school run, Asda didn't get a visit and two outfits needed to be sorted.

The town I live in is pretty crap for shops unless you are into gambling or charity shops. I tried the major supermarkets and a few others, no joy. I then remembered the fancy dress shop. The lady behind the counter wearily said "Book Day, you'll be lucky" they were more or less cleaned out, all the other mothers had been in weeks ago (do these women have insider information!) No way was I paying fifteen quid on a Cinderella costume, she did point out a pink concoction on the sale rack "Who is it" I asked, the reply Gilda from Wizard of Oz. I wasn't convinced she hadn't just made this up but as A is only four I decided I could convince her. No striped pyjamas here either I would have to get a bit creative.

T told me the other morning one of the girls little madams at school said to her she could go as a Umpa Lumpa, I explained that this wasn't a very nice thing to say to someone and that the girl in question was having a dig at her. After going up to mum's to welcome her home there wasn't a great deal of time to get creative with T's outfit and was pleased with myself when I found a pair of my hubby's pyjamas with stripes, hurrah outfit sorted!

At 8.34am T was sat on the step dressed in her grand-dads striped pyjamas with the legs and sleeves considerably rolled up, she was sobbing "I'm not going to school in this" I took one look at her and realised I may have just sent her in an Umpa Lumpa outfit afterall the amount of ribbing she would get.

Late for school ......again, she happily walked in to school dressed as the witch from Meg & Mog.


Sha X

The Secret

My blogs over the last few weeks have been a bit dire and gloomy. I felt in a dark place, well maybe not dark but in a nothingness. I am glad to say this week I feel I have turned a corner.

My brother and I have been discussing The Secret for some time now and some may mock any belief in this. I have come to the conclusion whatever your belief system is and don't forget I am a Catholic, the whole point of The Secret is a belief in yourself and your attitude being positive as opposed to negative and what that attracts to us.

The last few weeks have been very negative thoughts on my part. I have however made a conscious effort to get my shit together and think positively to bring my mind to a place of ease and also adopt the ethos of the Secret and believe in myself. The results this week have been amazing, don't get me wrong shit has still happened big style, but so has some fabulous stuff, and it's only Wednesday.



Sha X