The Wall

I consider myself a kind, caring compassionate person. Where ever possible I do my utmost best to be considerate to others, to help where I can "Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself" is an approach that has been with me all my life.

When you have your children you have so many hopes and aspirations wrapped up in them, some parents want or even expect their offspring to achieve great things in the world and yes if they do and that's what they want too fantastic outcome for all. My only dreams for my two children were that they would be happy, confident in themselves and there place in this world, of who I could be proud of in respect of just being nice people.

Fifteen years of dealing with an addict jades you, all the heartache it brings has made me build a wall and its a thick one, a protective shield for my heart. Don't get me wrong this wall has taken many years to build and because of it one of the great sadness's for me is that the qualities I think I have, come in to question where my daughter is concerned.

The simple things that others take for granted have been lost to us, our relationship is fraught, angry and conducted with a wariness on both sides, even so, after my daughters serious illness last year, I had hope that I could make it better, when once again you are let down spectacularly another layer of the wall goes up.

Christmas's and birthdays create dilemma's, I always choose cards for people very carefully for the words and that they are heartfelt, the usual flowery, proud of you Daughter cards just don't fit and I rely on a simple I Love You verse, because if I question anything that is a fact that has and never will change. Presents bought for such occasions have a fleeting thought of will this be sold on, the mistrust permeates the whole relationship and it leaves me feeling pretty shitty about myself. No other relationship in my life makes me feel so bad. My caring and compassion for all things mock me.

T asked me the other day at what age did her mum start taking drugs and asked me why I didn't just lock her in her room to stop her, if only it were as simple as that.

Sha x

Sweet Child of Mine

This is a difficult post for me to write. The whole purpose of this blog has been for it to be honest accounts of things that have or are happening in my life, if that were not the case I could see no point, I have to tell it as it is the good bad and the ugly.

My mum has always said "God only dishes it out to those that can cope" Mum "I hate that saying" and God "Enough already".

On my way out to see mum in hospital last night a knock at the door, it was my neighbour who also happens to be A's other granddads brother, could I give D a ring. Speaking to D he expressed his worry about my daughter he had heard she wasn't well and had been to the flat but couldn't get in, he hoped I didn't think he was interfering. I told him I would go check it out, he had never rang before with any issues so I had good enough reason to trust something was definitely not right.

The last time I saw my daughter was when she came to see mum on her death bed, she lay on the floor crying and caused quite a bit of a scene A's dad with her and as usually happens they had a row. With the nurses hovering ready to call security at any minute I have to say I was quite ashamed to say this is my daughter.

Going to the flat my daughter and A's dad share is never a pleasant experience, its not somewhere you would go for tea and a chat, my visits there always have other purposes. I knew she may not answer the door, this was normal, but I also knew on this occasion she was wanted by the police, they had been to my house twice this week looking for her, she hadn't complied with her bail conditions. She did respond to me telling her it was her mum at the door and I was angry that she was locked in. A had gone off hours ago locking the door, I couldn't get in. She managed to get to the window, told me she was in a lot of pain but didn't want the door kicking in and promised she would call an ambulance as soon as A got home. I told her I would go visit my mum then come back, if A wasn't back I would do what ever I needed to do.

At hospital as soon as I walked in my sister, who was visiting mum, asked what was wrong. Briefly filling her in she asked if I wanted her to go back to the flat with her, I did. We arrived back at the flat and at this point my daughter told me she couldn't move. It is exactly the same week as last year she was admitted to hospital with a blood clot. Shouting through the door to ask her if the pain was the same as before, she said it was. I phoned the ambulance, who said as she was locked in they would have inform the police to gain entry. A then walked around the corner, I told the person on the phone we now had no need for police as we had a key, knowing full well as my daughter is on the "wanted" list the police's arrival was inevitable.

Blue lights galore lit up the street, not one person came out to see what was happening, with no electricity in the property, the only light was the policeman's torch. Inside the flat was not pretty, whatever I have seen on television the reality was far worse, my daughter on a bed with utter filth and detritus of drug use around her, a single candle at the side of the bed for light.

While waiting for the paramedics to get my daughter out of the flat, down the street I noticed a young couple with a small child cradled in the man's arms, protecting her from the rain, he gently put her in the back of the car, carefully making sure she was strapped in and safe, smiling at her all the time, and I cast my mind back to 30 yrs ago and pictured my beautiful smiling child when she was that age, when I could protect her and make her safe.

Where did you go? Sweet Child of Mine.


Sha X

Making a Connection

Recently I went to an event on my own, it was a huge important event and one that I had to go to. I think its very rare in my life that I would attend anything alone, whether it be family, friends or work colleagues, I would always have someone to go with.

This was an unusual state of affairs and I was a little nervous, but the need to attend far out weighed my apprehension. This event would be attended by hundreds of people and I would not know one single soul. My great need, to what on some level was a putting myself through something out of my comfort zone, was a connection, a connection to the person that this event was all about, a person I had never met, but had connected with because this person touched my heart.

My plan was to attend, do what was needed and leave, nothing can feel quite so lonely as being in a huge crowd. I remember years ago going to my husbands niece's christening in Liverpool and for some reason my husband was unable to go. I felt he needed to be represented so went alone, and even though I was with my husbands family, It felt for me just not right and more than a little uncomfortable. I am older now and a little wiser and with that brings a confidence that it is really alright to not have a comfort blanket in the shape of another person to who you can cling.

Whilst at this event I noticed a couple were wearing something that I recognised, it was a small point of reference of something familiar to me. I asked the couple about what and why they were wearing this and told them about my association with it also, we got chatting, and discovered we had other things in common. Making that connection made be feel much less lonely.

The couple had said they would be around for the refreshments, which also made me feel much better about being there for that part of the event, as this would be where I would be able to do another of things that was the reason for attending.

Entering the room, not being able to see the couple, I headed for the lady pouring cups of tea, scanning the room the whole while, tea in hand, I had a choice, skulk in a corner with my cup of tea and then leave or put myself out there. In the room was a lady with the brightest red hair I think I have ever seen, she was with a younger girl who looked like her minus the red hair and a blonde lady, the red head looked fun.

My choice was to go up to the table these three were sitting at, introducing myself, I told them I was on my own and would they mind if I sat with them. I spent nearly a few hours with these ladies, they made me feel very welcome, we had in common the reason for attending this event, and they did know the person, they introduced me to other people and I introduced them to the couple, who then joined our table.

My point is, in a huge crowd of strangers make a connection with someone, put yourself out of your comfort zone, it may make a huge difference in how you feel, and a stranger may become a friend.

I'm glad I did, the red head was great fun and it was my pleasure to make her acquaintance.


Sha X

Only Human

I get annoyed and angry at times over the mundane things in life, we all do, hubby is a major irritant and bless him he often has no idea why, because to be honest I don't always know the reason either, and the kids can drive me to complete distraction.

Over the last two days I have attended the funerals of two young boys Harry aged 11, and Jack aged 6. I came across these two boys via twitter and they are both in their own ways very special and unique individuals who brought together many people. They became very special to me and both of them are inspirational.  And because of that I felt the need to pay my respects. To say I am in immense awe of the families dealings with such adversity is an understatement.

Going to Harry and Jacks funerals makes you realise how so very lucky you are that your loved ones have good health and also brings home the fact that wealth in material things mean nothing.....and I mean nothing.
Loving, laughing and living life to the full, the strength, courage, dignity shown by both Harry and Jack in the very short time they were here was also very evident from the people who loved them both more than life itself.

Our wealth on this planet is in terms of love and that value is so much more than monetary. We can have all the trappings of wealth, but without the love, strength and support of our loved ones, life is meaningless. I witnessed that in buckets over the last two days.

Measure your time, however long on this earth not on what you have achieved in acquiring "things" but in "who's". Who really cared, who really loved, who made you laugh, who made you feel secure, who made you feel safe, who loved unconditionally, who you touched and inspired and who would really be there for you.

I know the kids will still drive me to distraction. I will get annoyed with them and angry. My hubby will wind me up on things that are really unimportant, this is part of life too, after all we are only human. Life also teaches important lessons if we choose to learn the lessons well.

A life can be a long one or cruelly cut short, love is infinite, to have an abundance of it in any lifetime means a rich life indeed.

If your short time on this earth Harry and Jack were to teach a lesson, you were both Mighty and Masters.



Sha X

He's leaving Home

Well he's got the Australia contract, my husband is going to Perth for 6 months and I have very mixed feelings now. Its real he is going.

Having got a call today from the company he has applied for this contract, I decided to take the bull by the horns and ask a direct question, we are all a little reticent when applying for a job in asking them questions, we had received a letter yesterday about the mobilisation of the men, but it was a little ambiguous and didn't answer, for me, what could be a life changing decision. So I asked him what was happening I was told its not an if it's a when. He would be going probably within the next two weeks.

Pleased that I now knew what was happening, not being in this limbo land was great and then I thought OMG! We have had all this going on whilst the roller coaster of mum's situation and its all been a bit much. but I can deal with stuff if I know what's going on and feel like I am a little more in control of whatever situation.

So circumstances have prevailed the promise my husband made to me many years ago, he would never work away under any circumstances, the reality is we have two young girls in our care and we have to do what we need to do to enable a comfortable standard of living for them. This has to be looked upon as a fantastic opportunity to earn good money and open up the horizons of the girls with a visit to a fantastic country.

I have a million jobs for hubby before he goes, although I am very capable, we have allocated jobs and I will now have to take these on board and some I will resent. The pup is not totally trained and takes not a blind bit of notice of me, me screaming JASMINE in our field whilst she has a fuck you look on her face, leading me a merry dance. The dishwasher is thankfully mended, surround sound has now gone on the blink and I really have no clue how that works.

I know the jobs will not get done before he goes and am not sure how life will be without my OH of  28 years, but I am so chuffed for him that he has this opportunity especially at his age, giving him a confidence that he has a skill that is valued.

Hello Skype my new best friend.

Since posting have had stark realisations, who will cut out the pumpkin and dress the house, be there to dish out sweets on Halloween, who will be responsible adult, whilst I cook on Bonfire night, who will get the Christmas decorations from the loft and go off with the girls to pick the tree, who will put 5 presents under the tree, two for my birthday and the rest for Christmas, wrapped in the most divine paper. Who will kiss me on New Years Eve and say thank you for being you, I love my life and and I Love You.

Sha X

Laundry Label People

Whilst sorting the washing out this came to mind and I suppose is somewhat in keeping with my blog title. I think we can all fall in to each category at different times and they are interchangeable, which is what makes people so interesting to me.


BOIL WASH 
These often do important jobs, they are tough, dependable, the workhorses in life, the won't let you downers. Even when they have suffered a crisis you just know that put them in hot water and they will cope admirably.


DARK WASH
They serve a purpose, they can be a lot of fun especially when accompanied with something from the mixed wash, diluting the overall blackness, amongst these are staples, they can be very practical and like a lot of women I cling on to and am often drawn to them. As I get older I am mindful that there should be less of these around.


MIXED WASH
This category is neither too edgy or dull. Colourful, they brighten your day and make you feel cheery, they have lots of different hues some subtle and some quite garish depending on your mood, and I should have many more of these than I probably do.


SYNTHETIC
I don't have too many of these thankfully they are not really me. Not that I'm all eco or anything and on occasions they do have a role to fill, on the whole they are at best around for a specific purpose and at there worst quite toxic.


DELICATE
I have lots of time for these if they are delicate for a definite reason and are just too lovely not to give them the care they deserve. Ill health or transitional circumstances are my main reasons for taking the time out for these, if however it is a permanent personality trait I really haven't the time or inclination.

DRY CLEAN ONLY
I sometimes feel a little sorry for these. They are reserved for very special occasions, they are the perfect fit for that perfect moment, brought out when the "Big Guns" are needed, if they are an all time must have you will pay the price to have them around, you usually have spent many a happy occasion with them having lots of fun, just be sure you don't pack them off and forget where they are, out of sight out of mind.

RECYCLE (I know not a laundry care label, but needed to be included)
These again are a few and far between for me, they are the what was I thinking!!! They either get put in one of the groups above, don't quite fit in any of them so get put back in the basket as I'm not sure what to do with them, which is where they will stay until my realisation is that they belong in the recycling.

Sha X

Baptisim of Fire 1

Is it just our family or do all families have the same issues when it comes to celebrations which involve everyone getting together.

Organising any event or celebration can be very stressful with so much to sort out, ours however always seem to have an added drama other than the usual outfit, venue, catering finding. J's christening 25 years ago along with A's 3 years ago were some of the most stressful for me.

All outfits were sorted for J's christening, my father had laid his out in the bedroom and I was very amused that without consultation my dad and my husbands outfits were colour co-ordinated. We are a family that never need  much of an excuse to dress up, and the females love having any opportunity to wear a hat, but that was the least of my worries. I was about to meet more members of my husbands family that I had never met and would have to pretend to not have met his brother at all. The reason behind this pretence was I had met my husbands brother with his mistress, he was attending the christening with his wife. I am not a deceitful person so being put in this position made me more than a little fraught.

Two nights before the christening my dad had a heart attack, my world turned on its axis, we were all in shock and looking out of the window I felt it incomprehensible that life was going on as normal when mine had just exploded in to complete fear and uncertainty. The christening could not possibly go ahead, my mum had other idea's, she said your father will think he is going to die, it would be business as usual.

An hysterical phone call from husbands, brothers mistress on the day of the christening was all I needed, my nerves were shot, she had found out he would be here with is wife and was going to turn up she screamed down the phone, the fact that she lived over 300 miles away gave me a little comfort along with the 2 swift vodka's.

My acting skills were of Oscar winning performance calibre on the day, I duly meeted and greeted, and also managed to pull husbands brother to one side to pass on some of my jangled nerves, I'm good at sharing like that. The day went without a hitch and everyone enjoyed it so much the celebrations carried on in to the night.

My dads presence was acutely missed, he would have loved every single minute, holding court and making sure everyone had a drink. My mum and my husband managed to dip out of proceedings for an hour to go see dad in hospital, share the day with him and take him the piece of christening cake with my dads name on, J's middle name is after my dad, whilst I held the fort with the guests.

For some strange reason I only have one photograph of that day, its at the font in church, Auntie Norah the proud Godmother and Uncle Kevin (husbands other brother) Godfather, J in my arms, blissfully content.


Sha X

Harry the Hero

I write this not knowing what tomorrow will bring but my hopes are for some kind of miracle and they do happen, I believe in that with all my heart.

Twitter I have come to realise can be an amazing thing, I have seen some really not very nice things on here how people express themselves and conduct themselves but choose to cling on to the good on this social media platform.

There are some people on twitter that are like beacons, their light shining bright amongst everyone else and I came across such a light many many months ago his name is Harry Moseley, very quickly I realised he was not just engaging, endearing and very funny, he is very special. He could have thought I can't be bothered conversing with an old fart, but that is not Harry's way, he connects with people on many levels and I very quickly fell in love with this little man, as I know so many others have.

We have tweeted, had conversations on DM and he always put a huge smile on my face, he brightens up my timeline. I have bought his bracelets and am in awe of what he has achieved in fund raising and his speeches at schools and anyone that will listen to him raising awareness on brain tumours. He has touched many and through twitter has reached out to many. I have never had the pleasure of meeting him, but feel blessed I got to know of him and his wonderful character.

The word hero is used at times loosely I feel, this amazing, selfless, special lad truly represents the word hero in my eyes and I admire him, his amazing mum and family also and how they conduct themselves in a time of great sadness.

All we can do at this time is pray for a miracle for this extraordinary young man and his family. X

Check out http://www.helpharryhelpothers.com/

My heart is heavy on learning this morning that Harry lost his fight, his face and awesomeness is imprinted indelibly in our hearts and minds. God bless you Harry.

.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOc3jkfux2k

Sha X

The Lakes?

My husbands 60th birthday last year was pretty much a non event. I had done surprise 40th and 50th for him but knew this time I wouldn't get away with that again, and besides felt the "surprise party" element had been done to death.

He was working away for his birthday so we we were unable to celebrate it. As a birthday surprise I had decided to look in to a boutique hotel and one had caught my eye in the lakes, I'm a bit of a nerd where ever we are going and like to research the place and surrounding area, this place had themed rooms, looked fantastic, and the reviews were crap. I did find a B&B that had fantastic views of the lake so booked that for when he returned.

Husband  home, the kids packed off to my sisters, I was ok with the fact that they would be fine with her. We were on our way to the first break we had ever had as a couple since we got the girls and the first time both us had ever left them. One of the reasons for picking the lakes was it isn't too far if we were needed back should any emergency arise. On arrival at Windemere we were already arguing in the car as we couldn't find our B&B and it was pissing it down. Some break this was going to be!

The view of the lake from our room was totally stunning, however there was a price to pay for such a view, after wandering back from a meal out, the steep hill to get back to our B&B, lets just say husband thought I'd brought him here to finish him off. The owner was more than a little strange, my hubby and I decided he must be ex army, he tried to run everything with military precision, the latest breakfast sitting was 9.00am, no bloody coveted lie in for us, and he had a system whereby you wrote down the night before what you wanted for breakfast and your room number. Us and other guests didn't realise he then put your room number on the table you were to sit at so he knew what you were having. We couldn't stifle our giggles when he would come in to the room his soft Scottish lilt asking if we would like tea or coffee, then hear loud effing and blinding in the kitchen "They aren't fucking sat in the right place".

As I mentioned earlier I'm a little nerdy I always read guest book comments as if it were a novel and many guests had commented favourably on a Sail & Dine experience, we booked the lunch one as the evening one was full. Wrapped up in appropriate clothing on a sunny autumn day we set off with the boat owner and 2 other couples on to the lake in a sailing boat, we even got to man the boat, it was exhilarating and great fun, we were on the lake for most of the afternoon, the lunch surpassed our expectations and although you wouldn't have known from his face husband thoroughly enjoyed it. The few days break was a success.

We arrived back quite chilled and relaxed but had missed the girls and it wasn't until school called during the week as T had been very upset, did I realise the impact our going away had on her. We had been away for 2 weeks in a villa on Lake Como, is what T had told the teacher.

Any consideration for going off for the weekend again........maybe when T is in university.


Sha X

Milestones & Memories

On a beautiful unseasonally warm October morning I waved manically at T on the coach, a huge smile on my face, the sunglasses hiding my tears. The class are off on a residential trip, a week of activities and excitement.

It has been a busy week, we had last minute things to get for the school trip, the sleeping bag kindly loaned to us from a friend, we still had to get a torch? (I have no idea either) trainers, rucksack and other odds and sods on the checklist. We also had an open evening at high school to attend to decide which one T was going to next year. We have opted for the much smaller Catholic high school for her, approximately 450 pupils, and on leaving our tour of the school T said "Its massive" reinforced my feeling that we made the right choice as the other high schools in the area hold around 700 to 800 pupils. My thoughts that T would be just too overwhelmed by such big schools.

My mind cast back to her first day in Reception, she had just turned 4 in the August and started school in the September, she was and still is one of the smallest in her class, and she was also the youngest, her uniform looked massive and it was an horrendous experience for her, she wasn't at all ready for it. She had been placed with me the previous November her social skills were limited, she hadn't been in any kind of routine and had had experiences no toddler should ever have to have. She was locked in her own little world of hiding food for later on and terrible night terrors. My main concern for her settling in to school were nothing like the other mums, they were questioning the academic side of the school, I just wanted to know she would be happy and fit in as best she could with her peers. The Headteacher, Reception teacher and I agreed it would be best to settle her in over a period of time and just go in on mornings for the first 3 months. I would sob all the way home as all I could hear was T screaming NANA at the top of her voice.

T is very much a homebody, other than an occasional sleepover at Auntie D's and a friends, the longest she has been away was a week in Oxford to stay with Uncle J. No-one other than family members have ever babysat for either of the girls and yes I guess I am guilty of being very over-protective with both of them, but watching them grow, meet milestones, A has recently started in Reception class, and at age 4 (the same age as T)  just learned to ride her bike without stabilisers, going away on residential trips with school and preparing for a new stage of going to high school and the little bit of independence that comes with that, getting the school bus  with her fellow classmates. The realisation that with the milestones passing comes my having to let go bit by bit and that makes me a little nervous. I have done this twice before, one with a fantastic outcome and the other not so.

My fun loving, adventurous, outgoing grand-daughter will be having a ball, she loves all kinds of activities and is fearless. There will be giggles and antics at lights out and bonds formed that may last a lifetime. Teachers will be seen in a new light (they are like "real people") and a growing in confidence at achieving things never before tried. She is growing up and I very much hope having so much fun she misses us not one jot.

But when she lays her head down to sleep, she has the smell of my perfume on her pillow, just in case. Who this gives more comfort to, me or her, I don't know.

Sha X

The Road to Damascus

Today I went to see my mum for the first time in 2 weeks. Having a cold I was scared to go see her and pass on any germs that may set her back.

Having not seen mum for that amount of time, the last time I saw her was the image carried in my head and whilst things were seemingly positive to be honest she didn't look that great. I have had to rely on talking to people who have visited and the nurses accounts as to how she was. She is now off the oxygen mask, cannula's are out, she is eating pureed food. The greatest news was that she was to be moved on Friday of last week to the hospital in our home town for rehabilitation, this meant it was so much easier to visit and the visiting time much less restrictive.

My god what a transformation, I wanted to smother her with kisses but kept my distance as I'm still a bit snotty, so sat at the other side of the room. This is a brand new hospital with fantastic new facilities and everything is shiny brand new, you don't even have to pay an extortionate amount for the telly its all free. No second mortgage needed for car parking either, astonishing.

The most astonishing part is my mum, she looks a little frail, understandable, she's been to deaths door and back, the quick wit and sharp mind is back, my mum is back. We discussed how ill she had been, she told me her consultant thought she was amazing, and she told me how a couple of weeks ago she thought this is it, I'm on my way out, and how she then thought hang on a minute I'm not ready for that. The mind is an amazing thing and god willing the strength of that can at times get you through the almost impossible. I can not thank enough the consultant in question for his Damascus moment or for that matter my mum's, we get to keep her around longer, and I hope from this experience more than one of us has learned the importance of spending time with our loved ones.

Mum your strength of character has blown me away.


Sha X

Guest Post

In York yesterday stuck in traffic I sat in the car observing parents unload there laden cars for their kids who were embarking on the Uni journey and it transported me back to this

http://easypeasykids.com.au/wpblog/2011/09/17/moving-out/


A guest post of mine over on Easy Peasy Kids

Sha X